This was written for my personal final project in my classes in Nicaragua. It was supposed to be a wrap-up of my time spent here in Central America for the past 3.5 months. I'm having very mixed emotions about everything & so below is more about that.
To be honest...
I am overwhelmed. I am in shock of poverty, heartache & struggles. I am feeling guilty, sad & heartbroken. I am not done traveling, learning or growing. I am not ready to leave Central America. I am not ready to reflect on my semester. I am not ready to be asked "How was your trip?" or "What did you do/learn?" when I return. I am not ready to be an agent of change. I am..... I feel like the list could go on... and on... and on. BUT the list has to stop growing. It has to stop because I am tired/heartbroken/angry/confused continually hearing about the unjust, unfair & unequal world we live in. |
While talking to another student & my professor about our personal projects yesterday, I just cried. It was an emotion that was out of my control no matter how hard I tried to stop, the tears just coming. How can I be asked to reflect upon my semester before I have even left? I suddenly had no clue how I was going to be an agent of change. I was feeling the pressure to say something inspirational, wonderfully composed & touching to my classmates, professors and my supporters at home. But no words came to mind only tears to my eyes. I had no clue how to describe how I felt, how to fully describe what I experienced, saw and learned. All I felt was sadness and guilt for what I have; my family, my friends, a house with hot, running water, electricity, food, an education, a job. I felt that I had not learned enough to make a change. How am I supposed to take what I have learned to go home & make a change? I had no clue.
So my professor suggested we listen to this song by Josh Groban called Thankful. And together, we sat there teary eyed & smiling, because it was all I was feeling. We all have so much to be thankful for but there is still so much we hope for. We have so much; whether it's our education, house or running water. That shouldn't make me feel guilty, I was born into it. My resources should assist me in giving opportunity to help gain my voice & other's voice through listening & empowering. We have so much to still to do but we also have "so much to be thankful for." | "So for tonight we pray for |
What am I thankful for?
When I can acknowledge what I have, what I am thankful for I can reach out to others' in a stronger way. I have to recognize my own self, context and resources before I can make a change in others' lives. I am thankful for:
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Other than my backpack full of souvenirs, my camera full of pictures & my memory with new memories, what else am I taking home? Questions. Curiosity. Experience. Light. Thankfulness.
What's next?
I know whether I am ready or not, the clocks don't stop ticking & injustices in the world haven't ceased. As for now, I see my self as an agent of caring, listening & sharing. The biggest & most important thing I have learned about agents of change in Central America is where it begins. It begins with listening to a conversation & hearing the struggles of others. One can't come in and say, "I know what you need! Let me make a change!" In the end, they could damage the community instead of help, no matter how good the intentions were. Change begins with the people who are struggling. I will make a some sort of change- either small or big. As for what? when? how? for whom? --only time will tell. Right now, I am going to continue listening, learning & growing. |
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every matter under heaven"
Ecclesiastes 3:1